Me and Mrs. Jones...

Someone told me once that when you get in a relationship, your demeanor changes and your confindence gets a boost. Supposedly, this all happens subconciously. When this happens, people (of the opposite sex) are more attracted to you and out of nowhere...people that neva send you, start winking at you.

I'm not sure that I agree with that completely. I think, very simply put, that people are attracted to that which they can't have. There's no science or deep psychology to it. I have seen situations where a guy is blasé about a girl that has been sweating him get VERY interested once she's lost interest. Once someone that was once very available to you becomes unavailable in some form or fashion, their appeal skyrockets.

If this is the case, is their something to the "play hard to get" theory that my mom has been drumming into my head since I hit puberty? This "if the milk is free, why buy the cow" theory that many women preach to their daughters, but guys CONSTANTLY try to disprove?

I can't say that that theory is crap, because I've heard sooooooooooooooooooooo many guys that get married/engaged/in a long term relationship tell me/or someone that "...and then I said [insert request], and she said "NO". It was that moment that I knew she was special"

Likewise, I've heard many men (including my dad) tell me that their stock went waaaaaaaay up as soon as they got married (i.e. unavailable).

Does being in a relationship show your ability to keep someone happy, and therefore makes you more attractive? Or are people attracted to what they can't have because then, they don't HAVE to commit to it?

To be nice or not to be nice...that is the question

Is it because he is 'nice' or is he just not your type?

Ok...this might have been beaten to death, but I'd still like to get some input on it.

Too often we hear the catch phrase "nice guys finish last". While I don't completely agree with this, I can't say I completely disagree either.

One thing that WORKS my nerve is the assumption that when nice guy meets girl, nice guy likes girl, nice guy pursues girl, girl isn't feeling nice guy...it's a case of nice guy finishing last. Arrrgh.

Seriously ladies, how many of you want an a-hole? I know I don't! I like nice men. In fact, I love nice men. I want to be respected, cherished and cared for...who no like good thing? But should I then just be quick to "surrender" to the first nice guy that comes/came along? Awww heckinaw!!!

Ladies, do we take 'nice guys' for granted? Do we automatically push them to the back or get uninterested when they show a lot of interest and attention (as opposed to a "bad" boy who is too busy juggling other women to give us enough attention).

I dunno...I reckon if I'm not feeling a guy, it has very little to do with his 'niceness' and much more to do with our compatibility. Is it that 'nice' guys then end up being no one's type? LOL!

..p.s.: Nice guy =/= Pushover. Pushovers do finish last! C'mon! Be a man!

The number game...

...why do guys like to act like it's always the woman's fault when she gives out a wrong number?

Seriously, I hope you guys know you have quite a MAJOR role to play when you get the wrong number sometimes. I'm just tired of guys ALWAYS quick to point a finger at a girl when something doesn't go right with the number collecting process.

Guy: Say, can I have your number?
Girl: Nah, I'm sorry....I got a man.
Guy: ...but your man ain't me
Girl:...*proceed to give guy the wrong number*

...then, said dude now has the audacity to get upset that he got the wrong number. Respect yourself jo. It may be just me, but it's hard enough saying no when someone you don't want to give your number asks for your number. Why make it harder? Why try to get my number when I'm dancing to my favorite song and I don't feel like talking? Or persist when I've already said I'm not interested.

Sometimes...a dude is just ASKING for it when it comes to getting the wrong number.

Am I tripping? Or, do I NEVER have an excuse for giving the wrong number? Or better yet, giving my number and neever picking up.

When I move, you move?

Is it ever Ok for the woman to make the first move? Or rather, is it ever NOT ok for the woman to make the first move?

Since "times have changed" and we are now in "enlightened" times, do you guys feel as if women should go after men that they are interested in more agressively than they have done in the past? If so, how? At what point do you feel she's starting to do too much?

Often times (in my observation), it seems like women don't want to be making moves on a guy they like because they don't want to be taken for granted...they don't want to be taken advantage of.

Women...how far would you go in "going after" a man? Would you make any moves at all? Or would you just hope that he approaches you, and if he doesn't...you move on?

Me sha...if I like a guy, I'll try to make sure that he notices me. I'll position myself in such a way that we are able to have a conversation, we are able to "connect" and then it's up to him to go in for the kill. If he doesn't I move on and assume he wasn't feeling me. I feel QUITE forward asking a guy for his number, if I'm really interested in him. Am I alone?

Seems to me like with the whole fake number/club etiquette fiasco, guy would feel a little more reluctant to go after women they want, and it's now up to women to be more transparent/outspoken about their interest.

[Title taken from song: "Stand Up" by Ludacris]

I am not my hair

Ok...so you start dating someone and everything is kosher. Looks..check. Intelligence...check. Everything else so far...check. When you met her, she was rocking her natural hair in a bob. Two months later, she becomes weavie wonder. Unfortunately, it doesn't flatter her at all! But, she's set her mind to keep weaving it up.

Ladies...he was bald or something when you met, two months later...he says he wants to start growing dreads and although you've never expressed it before (conversation never went that route)...you HATE dreads!

Do you grin and bear it, or do you scream..."I did not sign up for this" and ask him/her to change or do you bounce?

How much say should you have in your partner's style (or rather, change in style) in a dating relationship.


**I wonder how much say married people get to have***

[Title taken from song: "I am not my hair" by India.arie]

If at first you don't succeed...

...dust yourself off and try again.

I'm one of those people that is not afraid to jump back on the horse once I've fallen off. I tell myself that just because something didn't work out the first time, doesn't mean that it is doomed to fail the second time around.

This thought, however, doesn't apply to failed relationships. For me to pry myself away from a relationship from someone, I must have been convinced that either I have nothing to offer the person any longer or they have nothing to offer me any longer. Even when this is not the case, it is pretty difficult for me to be convinced that what didn't work the first time around will work when given another opportunity. Most likely, we are still the same people with the same thoughts and habits and somehow, I doubt time would have changed that.

Can someone help me understand the reasoning behind "make ups to break ups"? Why would I get in a relationship with one person, and then continually return to them when the relationship has failed several times. Can you return to someone that you ended a relationship with? Why? How many times do you return before you stop trying?

In line with "dust[ing] yourself off and try[ing] again," how do you take stock to ensure that you don't head down the same path as the previous relationship that you were in with someone else? Because in my opinion, if you keep dating different people with the same exact traits, you might as well keep dating the same person.

What things do you consider to ensure that lessons have been learned?

[Title taken from song: "Try Again" by Aaliyah (RIP)]

He's just not that into you...

...as if I didn't know.

I watched the movie "He's just not that into you" not too long ago, and I was insulted (to say the least). I haven't read the book, so I don't know if that's any better...but I never planned on reading it anyway.

I felt insulted because of the way they portrayed women and the issues that the women were dealing with (except the married couple). In every situation, I just rolled my eyes and said "duh"...like, tell me something I don't know. I give a guy my number, but when I ask for his number he says he'll call me...*light bulb* "he's just not that into you". Duh. I leave 500 messages for a guy and he doesn't even make an attempt to call me back...*light bulb* 'he's just not that into you". Duh.

What the heck! Can I get some of the more complicated situations analyzed, please.

- We're dating and having a swell time and he says he's going through something that he can't seem to discuss with me. The next day, he stops calling period.

- He calls me at odd times of the day and can't seem to call me at "normal" conversational hours. Does that say something.

- I want a relationship, and he says he doesn't want to hurt the "friendship" by getting into a relationship or better yet, he's trying to "figure himself out"

- He wants to see the possibility of a relationship, but he lives in Alaska and work schedule won't allow him to visit, but he won't pay for my ticket to visit.

Am I complicating the situations and thinking that they are complex when they are not? Is there an underlying concept under each of the "he's just not that into you" scenarios that applies to ALL these issues and I'm just not seeing it?

I am of the opinion that when a man REALLY wants you, NOTHING will stop him from getting you except if you are not interested (and even then...). Everything else is an excuse, and he's really just not that into you.

[Title taken from movie "He's just not that into you"]

As time goes by...

I've always wondered how people decide how much time has to pass before they can do certain things.

After I have dated him for 6 months, we can have sex.
After the second date, we can kiss.
After breaking up with a guy, I need a year before I can date someone else.
I can only get engaged to a guy after dating him for 2 years.

How are these times determined? Is there a scientific study somewhere that says that people show their true colors and are more trust worthy after 6 months?

I definitely am for waiting till you are comfortable with someone before taking certain steps, but what if after the second date with someone, you STILL don't feel like kissing them? I find it kinda hard to understand this train of thought because my life seems to be VERY allergic to time tables and formulas. When I was 10, I was sure that I'd have kids by 25...because 25 was quite ancient to me and I couldn't think of why ANYONE wouldn't be completely DONE with having kids by then. At the age I'm at now, I'm not even sure that I can handle marriage talk less of having kids.

So, my question is...how do you decide how long it's gonna take (ahead of time) to get to the next step of a relationship? Is this based on past experiences, or is it just an arbitrary number? Is it a goal or...?

[Title taken from song "As time goes by" by Frank Sinatra]

JustFriends

When a guy says to me "I just wanna be friends," he's done two things:

1. Locked himself into a perpetual state of platonic friendship with me
2. Put himself in a position where I will continue to question his motive.

The thing is, when I want to be friends with a girl...I don't walk up to her and say "yo chic, I'd like to be friends with you." We meet, we click, and a friendship ensues. It's organic. No need to state the obvious.

So, when a guy asks for my number, or wants to "hang out" with me and tells me that the reason is because he "wants to be my friend" I say BS!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am ALL for growing a relationship from the ground up and using friendship as the foundation, but it's the guys that have ulterior motives under the guise of "friendship" that I have a HUGE problem with.

So, what do I do? I do EVERYTHING to make sure that that platonic relationship that he wanted is exactly what he gets forever and ever and ever. Why? If you really wanted just wanted to be "just friends" there really wouldn't be any reason to have to state it explicitly in the first place (unless I've challenged your intentions).

Guy: Say, can I get your number?
Me: Nah, I got a boyfriend
Guy: Yea, but I just wanna be friends...
Me: Is it beans? *hiss*

Carry go jo!

[Title taken from song: "JustFriends" by Musiq SoulChild; image source: xkcd.com]

Birds flyin' high...

It's often said that birds of the same feather flock together. For the most part, I believe this saying while keeping in mind that there is an exception to every rule.
so, when scoping an "object of attraction" and I happen to know his friends better than I know him I believe that I can make some assumptions about this person. If his friends are up standing citizens, good for him because I'm going to go off the assumption that he ain't quite bad a person. Of course, I'll still thread cautiously...but I can safely say that he has a pretty good head start.
If a guy, on the other hand, has friends that I don't respect...yikes! It's going to take a little bit to even grant him audience, talk less of anything else. In the case that I do look past his poor choice of friends (in my opinion) and decide that I should at least see what he's about, the following question comes up:

What happens if we do decide to get into a relationship? If I find myself REALLY liking this guy, but I ABSOLUTELY do not see myself being able to get along with his friends(not for the lack of trying), what do I do?

Is it fair to stay away from a guy/girl just because of the friends (close friends) they keep?

[Title taken from song: "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone]

I'll be moving on...

When I was about 18, dating was just that. Dating. I know that there are times that I entertained the possibility of marrying the person that I was in a relationship with, but for the most part I focused on dating. As I've grown older dating has become very different. I can't and won't date JUST to date. I can't see myself dating someone just to be in a long term relationship. Dating someone and ending up in this world of perpetual dating.

I understand (very well) that some people are happy just dating. Marriage isn't their thing...and that's absolutely fine. The scenario that I have a hard time comprehending is when two people get together in an attempt to know each other, and then end up dating (exclusively and continuously) for like 7, 8, 9, 10 years and nothing happens. Do they not know each other enough? Do they still have questions? Are they happy?

How long does it take to know whether you can stand to be with someone for a lifetime? My answer will either be,"it doesn't take too long" or "you never really know".

So the question is when do you cut your losses at what point do you accept that this is not the person you are going to end up with? And how do you know?

I'd say within the first month of dating someone, I want to know where the relationship is headed. I want to know what goals we are trying to reach and even if we don't know yet...I know we've had the discussion and we're both on the same page.

Guys, if a girl were to ask you in about the first month of "getting to know each other" where you saw the relationship going, would you think she was on a schedule and get scared away?

[Title taken from song: "I'll be moving on" by Mya featuring Silkk the Shocker]

Background Check

When I meet someone, one of the most exciting things about getting to know each other is just that...getting to know each other. I want to know his favorite things, his habits, his likes and dislikes, his past mistakes, his regrets, his accomplishments, his goals and so on. It's part of what makes conversation last till 2 in the morning knowing darn well that you should have slept at 11p.m, but still having every intention of repeating it again and again.

This is why I find it hard to ask a mutual friend about a guy that I have an interest in. I find it hard to do what I call a "background check". I feel as though a lot of objectivity will be lost with the information I find (whether positive or negative). I understand that the information that's shared with me should be taken with a grain of salt, and should put me in a better position to make a decision, but I can't help but feel that decision made would be somehow affected because now I'm not looking at this guy through my own eyes alone, but through someone else's lenses as well (even if partially). What if this person has changed? What if this person is a chameleon? What if the person I am asking has a skewed perception of him?

On the other hand, as exciting as getting to know someone is...I really don't like to devote time and energy to the wrong person and asking someone who has a better knowledge of this person could help with deciding if this is a no-go area, proceed with caution area or attack with full speed area.

I can't seem to make my mind up on this.

You meet a guy/girl, and you know someone that knows him/her. Would you do a probe? Carry on investigations about her to find out who (s)he is and what (s)he's like?

I love her cause she got her own...

...but dag, she's got too much!

Ask a handful of my friends, and they will tell you that I am quite traditional when it comes to roles that men and women should play. You can attribute this trait to being my mother's daughter.

Once a friend told me that she wanted to get a big screen TV, and I was baffled! I asked her why she'd want to do such a thing if she ever planned on getting married. If she had a 48' screen TV, what did she expect her husband-to-be to have and wouldn't she scare him off? Time has taught me that such things are quite trivial and my thoughts concerning what women can and should own (or not own) has changed a bit.

One thing that I have not changed my mind about, however, is the issue of purchasing a house.

Am I old school in thinking that I might be scaring a man/possible suitor off if I owned a home? How many of you men can honestly say that you won't be just a bit apprehensive if you met a woman and she had her own home, and you had an apartment? Say you get married, would you move into her house without feeling the least bit insecure?

I hear all these songs about women being independent these days, and this thought crosses my mind:

How independent can a woman be, before she comes off as not needing a man and therefore scaring him off?

[Title taken from the song: "She got her own" by Ne-Yo featuring Jamie Foxx and Fabolous]